titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
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According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.