Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
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If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Meanwhile in Canada…
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]