Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
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[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
choose your gary
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Same post same
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued