I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
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WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Any refunds available?…
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.