my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
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Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!