Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
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Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar