Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
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IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)