me hitting on a model
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[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
notice
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
another case of gang violins
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis