Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
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My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known