I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
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If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Spa day..😅
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.