*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
You Might Also Like
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
3% human
97% stress
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling