It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
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Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
My therapist after every session
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.