Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
You Might Also Like
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Me irl
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face