[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Sounds like a bargain
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
That lamp looks PISSED.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.