I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
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2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
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I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction