Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
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At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.