anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
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The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.