I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
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Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.