[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
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The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this