If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
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My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
best first i’ve ever seen
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps