WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
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My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Möther may I have a snäck
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
the way this pissed me off… 😭
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this