Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
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Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?