Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
You Might Also Like
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Most fashion shows these days…
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman