Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
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Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
War & Peace
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
This is Sparta
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR