#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
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[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
it must be school picture day
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”