I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
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My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Damn he played himself
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.