[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
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My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
We’re all getting idioter.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June