long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.