*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
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IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.