My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
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Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Print is alive and well!!!