This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
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“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.