I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!