The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
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Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*