you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
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90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.