THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
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Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Sending in my taxes
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.