[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
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The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave