The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
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The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.