Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
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Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER