We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
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Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I’m too immature for adultery.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.