[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
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I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Not😆🤣
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Basketball
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
How about I get 100% off by already being there
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself