A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
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Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I know
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.