When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
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huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again