Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
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Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Bloody internet 😳
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Don’t talk down to me
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”