why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Mmmm canned fish.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool