If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
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Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played