When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
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I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
me: my friends:
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.