Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
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No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
asking santa clause for nudes
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.