Bruh 😭😭😭😭
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I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Morning my dudes.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.