Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
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My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma