Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
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Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly